#99

After another Sunday afternoon googling “Bake it Till You Make it” I found that this mental health and resilience cookbook has landed its place on a “100 Most Resilient Books of All Time” BooksAuthority list. Googling myself and the title of my book has become a weekly practice after finding it had received other BooksAuthority list attention. In both cases,my Google findings were both shocking and exciting! When I read that the book that I had worked so hard on ended up on this list, I began to scroll through to find where it had ranked!! #18 like the number on the other list? Top 50? Top 75? Only to see the small thumbnail of my face on the front cover next to #99. 

I will admit at first, I was a little disappointed. It can be really hard to hold an incredible accomplishment present in your mind and also a slight sense of wishing it could be a little bit better. I analyzed this thought the minute I had it. I was almost a little confused that it came and went without a major breakdown. You see, numbers, used to define my life. My first published piece in the book Our Stories of Our Strength (2018) was called “The Number Trap”. In my story I shared the way that numbers continuously defined me. Whether this was a score on a test, a weight on the scale or a goal number to address an OCD ritual, numbers were my everything. There has not been one moment yet where I have felt this all go away. Rather it has been my almost 10 years in therapy, time in treatment and working on myself to learn as much as I could to take the power out of the numbers, and in a small way I feel today’s fleeting thought really denotes some growth. 

I used to think that growth was something I would feel all at once. I think ideally, I would love that. I would complete one chapter of my story or piece in my fabric and neatly begin the other, but in no way is that the way healing, growing or living occurs. It can be really easy to try and attach “growth” or endings to things: the end of a semester, the end of an era, even the end of a decade; but if I have learned anything from my reaction to today, these moments can pop up out of nowhere and that’s part of the fun! This is also something absolutely worth celebrating. So,I thought I would share 9 ways I have found myself taking my power back and letting numbers just be numbers. I would share 99 but I think that is a little extra, even for me 🙂 

  1. Therapy!! 
  2. Advocacy and Finding Meaning in my life led by my passion. 
  3. Authentic connection, it’s not about the number of people but the quality people you are surrounded by. 
  4. Structuring time! But not too structured! Enjoying free time but also not being tied by the numbers on the clock.
  5. Intuitive Eating, but definitely a work in progress! 
  6. Valuing the meaning over the price tag.
  7. Thinking about large goals and starting them when they feel right, not at the start or the end of a day or year. 
  8. Enjoying movement and not wearing an AppleWatch. 
  9. Allowing myself to be done with this list and not having all the answers or a secure #9. A work in progress!

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